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Writes about Testamints

January 8, 2010

So, I’m writing a chapter about the atheist subculture right now. And I started the chapter by writing about the Christian subculture. Here is what I wrote.

Testamints.

You have probably seen them if you have ever bought anything at a Christian book store. Testamints are gum wrapped in scripture verses. They can be used, according the Testamint website, as a great “witnessing tool”, which might go something like this:

Godless Heathen: “Man, that onion anchovy pizza is really giving me bad breath. I could sure use some gum or something.”

Pious Christian, delighted at the opportunity the Lord has given them: “Hey, it just happens that I have some minty gum. Would you like a piece?”

Godless Heathan: Yes, thank you so much. You are a fantastic person and there is something different about you.

Pious Christian (smiling inwardly): Well, there is something different and maybe this piece of gum will explain everything.

Godless Heathen opens up the gum. Reads the Scripture verse on the wrapper and breaks down in tears: I needed something like this in my life, will you pray with me?

They pray and weep together saying, “Thank God for gum!”

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. Richard Eis permalink
    January 8, 2010 11:14 am

    I can see the conversion story now:

    Boy 1: So, how did you find Jesus?

    Boy 2: Back of a piece of gum.

    Boy 3: He was a free toy in my cereal. (I am so betting this happened 🙂

    I love the “success story” too. Its so “not even wrong”.

  2. thomas2026 permalink*
    January 8, 2010 11:17 am

    Ha, I like the free toy in a cereal and I bet you are right.

  3. Richard Eis permalink
    January 8, 2010 11:30 am

    I wonder if they will be doing a “hot” flavour. With of course quotes and consequences from leviticus 😉

  4. thomas2026 permalink*
    January 8, 2010 11:46 am

    Nah, that would be Song of Solomon complete with aphrodisiac

  5. January 8, 2010 1:09 pm

    Hmmm … anyone for a nice cup of Rationali-Tea? I understand an atheistic message appears on the bag after it is dipped into hot water. 😉

  6. January 8, 2010 2:31 pm

    Testamints were the inspiration for Tom Waits’ “Chocolate Jesus”, so they can’t be all bad.

  7. ferret herder permalink
    January 8, 2010 4:45 pm

    Jesus is hiding behind the couch again, he keeps scaring the cats.

    Also, don’t forget the classic “Plasic Jesus” from “Cool Hand Luke” 🙂

  8. January 8, 2010 7:00 pm

    Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better if we didn’t have Bible written in verses at all. I mean, at first we just had this collection of books and letters we considered sacred. Then, for convenience, someone divided them into chapters, which take about two or three minutes to read aloud. And later, for ultra-convenience, someone divided them into verses, little tiny ten-second scripturebites that allow us to think a brief and pious thought without wrestling through the doctrine and the teaching; as though a verse were some sort of sanctified minitruth that stands all by itself. Sorta seems like instant gratification for the pious but busy.

  9. January 9, 2010 12:16 pm

    You know, if you did your research you would know that testamints were originally mints, not gum. The gum is a new product because of the wild success of the mints. Way to completely insult Christian culture you backwards heathen. Now go to Christiancandy.com and learn a lesson!

    http://www.christiancandy.com/product.html

    p.s. Don’t you think the packaging is awesome, what with the letter t like a cross and a dove flying out of the word?

  10. thomas2026 permalink*
    January 9, 2010 12:48 pm

    Don’t make me ban you, Mikalatos. Who do you think you are, some famous author or something? 🙂

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